Chairman Barium promotes himself to Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain Coming through on his oft-repeated pledge to SkyHigh employees and passengers that “something thrilling and utterly life-changing is headed your way very soon,” SkyHigh Chairman Howard Barium has officially promoted himself to Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain. In a pre-recorded address broadcast via satellite from Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain Barium’s Vegas penthouse, Barium’s spokesperson/massage therapist, Javier, outlined the details of the completely justified move. “Effective immediately, Grand High Executive Lord & Chieftain Barium will assume all the duties and responsibilities associated with his well-deserved new post. These duties include making even more arbitrary yet unquestioned decisions, spending his increased income and wielding a large scepter during board meetings,” Javier explained. As for what this news will mean for SkyHigh’s valued passengers, Barium told Javier, who told us, “Not a whole lot, really. But that’s not what this is about, is it? Next question.” Following the announcement, misty-eyed SkyHigh employees were seen hugging and high-fiving each other. That is, until they figured out that the company’s Orwellian internal spy-cam network was down due to technical difficulties, at which point a small riot ensued. Riot damages have been estimated at $300,231.52, which should be more than covered by SkyHigh’s recent price hike for cocktail napkins.
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